I Should Be Happy

I should be happy. I should feel relieved that we both apologized and are in a better place than we were before? but for some reason, I’m not satisfied. I’m still feeling this weird empty whole right on my chest that I honestly don’t know how to get rid of it. Laying here, in bed for days after having my hip surgery has helped me to have quite a lot of time to deeply think about everything, to think about you, about us, about what has happened. I think that I have finally come up with a conclusion; after all the tears my pillow has received, after all the ache my heart has held over the past 5 years, you are still buried deep down inside my heart. I don’t know if it’s love, anger or just a silly habit of mine, but for some reason, no matter what I do, or what I try, to see you as a normal person/friend I just can’t. I can’t be a hypocrite, I can’t ignore the fact that you marked me; you were both my first love and my first heartbreak, which makes you pretty important in my life. I’m so damn lucky, actually, YOU are so damn lucky! You got to play two of the essential roles that make part of the story of a human being. Now, years ahead when I have kids, or if I’m having a girls night and the typical questions of “who was your first love?” or “when was your first heartbreak?” start to come up, boom! A flash of memories of you is going to consume my brain making my heart remember not only the happy moments, but also the painful ones, and to be honest, that fucking scares me. It scares me to think that I’m never going to be able to move on from us, from our story, from our endless cycle. So yeah, that’s my conclusion right there. I’m finally accepting things now, and the truth is that one part of me will always love you and one part of you will always be with me. Right now, I’m confused cause I don’t know if these weird, little feeling I’m having is my hearts way of telling me that I’m still in love with you, or if it’s just its way of slowly accepting and letting everything in, in order for me to move on.

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