Him

“I don’t think our story is over yet, I don’t even think we’ll ever get a happy ending. I mean, happy endings don’t exist…The thing with life is that there’s never really some sort of ending or “final chapter”, life is all about endless moments. Some of these moments are going to make our cheeks hurt because of all the smiling and laughing, but some of them are going to shatter our hearts into million little pieces. Right now, we’re going through one of those moments. You broke my heart and I hate you for that because I freaking tried to work things out between us, I risked everything! You were just too immature to cherish it, to cherish me. Right now, it hurts… looking at you hurts, but that doesn’t mean that I should give up on you even if Most of the time I feel like I need to though. Sometimes I just wish I could shut you out and completely forget about you. Unfortunately, I can’t. You’ve left a mark in my heart and in my life and I don’t think I can get ride of it, and I can even say that I don’t want to. This is exactly what bothers me the most, that regardless of all the suffering you’ve brought to my heart I still don’t want to get you out of my life. Like I said before something deep inside of me is telling me that our story is not over, that we’re not over.” ha!  I  wrote this one year ago when I wouldn’t stop moping about not having you in my life the way I wanted to when I still had faith in you, I wrote this with endless tears streaming down my face as you were laughing and fooling around with her. I wrote this when I still had hope that you would change, when I actually thought that you would realize how much you really needed me and how maybe, just maybe you were too blind to see that deep inside you loved me, but you were too afraid to acknowledge your feelings. I was wrong. I was very wrong my dear. Few things I said I was actually right about, for starters we were never going to have a happy ending, cause they simply don’t exist, 2. you broke my heart and one part of me will always hate you with all my heart 3.  I risked everything 4. you were a fucking immature horny boy who didn’t know what he truly wanted 5. it still hurts, looking at you will always hurt and 6. you left an annoying mark on me. As time has passed and my heart has healed, I’ve realized that instead of pushing away the pain and trying to replace it with anger just to numb my heart, I should embrace it and finally accept the fact that you and I aren’t going to happen anytime soon. So, here I am, with a beer next to me writing once again about you. Lately, everything that I write about is somehow connected to you, which is why I’ve decided to finally reveal the unsaid to those you are willing to listen; to truly listen. Here, comes a series of thoughts of our tragic, dramatic, endless and toxic love story that will hopefully help those who are in the position I once were and are eager to simple get it our of their chest. This is my way of getting it out, this is my tale about you and all the unnecessary suffering you brought to my life. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted you to be him, I wanted you to be the guy I run to, I wanted you to be the one I’d spend nights holding hands and eating popcorn with. I wanted you to be the one who I’d travel with, I wanted you to be the one meeting my dad and being the guy sitting at the family table during Christmas Eve, I wanted you to be my love. There’s a part of me that will always love you and you know that, however, there’s this other part that is consumed with thoughts and feelings that need to see the light and be express after years of being buried deep in my soul.

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